My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize