I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
