i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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