Pappa wants mamma naked
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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