I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
