what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
