I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
