i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
