i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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