just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
