I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
