Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
