so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
