Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
