Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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