Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
