Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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