im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
