Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
