i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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