Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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