Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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