i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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