I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize