I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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