His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize