The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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