I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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