So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
