Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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