and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
