i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
