Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
