honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
