I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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