I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
