I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
