There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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