wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need water and some morals
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
