Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
