Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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