I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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