I think scott just propositioned me for sex
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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