I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
