Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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