i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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