i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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