apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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