I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
