I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
