god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i've created a new STD.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Who died my cat blue again?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love you.
Bad choice
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