I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
