I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
