My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
