Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Congratulations! We have a period
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