member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
